{Lessons}

I used to think that if I was living life the right way that everything would be organized and in its place. I thought that being in control was what I needed but somehow during these last few months I've discovered the beauty in chaos. I've discovered the joy of letting go. The peace that comes with surrender. I've learned to open my heart and love. I've learned that its okay to be hurt, to be angry, to be happy, to be fully authentic.

I've learned that coffee isn't the vile drink that I once thought it was. I learned that huge hoodies are like a big hug. I've learned that community doesn't have to look perfect. I've learned that legalism isn't something that I want to be a part of. I've learned that you don't have to be happy to have joy. I've learned that though pain beauty arises. I've learned that sometimes you have to be completely broken in order to ever be made whole. I've learned that pickles and mustard make great midnight snacks. I've learned that pursuing Jesus is the path that I want to take. I've learned that I can't be who everyone wants me to be. I've learned more fully who I am. I've learned that big guy hugs are one of the best things ever. I've learned that letting go of my dreams means that I can finally live out His dream. I've learned that friendship isn't something that can be contained in a little box but that it extends to all times...even when its messing and no fun. I've learned that sometimes you have to simply reach out and then maybe just maybe you will be sought out. <3

Loving

i don't know what it means to love. i know what those mushy gushy feelings feel like. i know how to give the spiritual answer as to what love is but what does real selfless love look like on a day to day basis?

What does it meant to show love as you live in community with people? I've been living with a bunch of other people since July and eventually they do become another family. We are family. We're each different and unique. We each have our strengths and our weaknesses. We each have our quirks and our pet peeves and sometimes we get really tired and moody. Sometimes we get sick. Sometimes we feel super happy but no matter how we feel we have to love each other. What I'm realizing is that I'm not always sure how to love. There is no formula. There is no "oh, I can smile at you and you'll know that I love you" or "I'll hug you and you'll know that I love you." I can't just be loving when I want to be. I have to be loving at all times but how can I do that? What does that look like?

Perspective

What does it mean to love with the love of Christ?

Yesterday we went and loved on homeless people at Mission 615 here in Tennessee. As we went into the inner city apartments to pick up the kids for their service me heart was literally breaking. After I played the “no smiling game” with one little girl and was informed by her that the reason that she was winning was because she “had nothing to smile about” I almost started crying.

As I rocked a baby whose parents are homeless and who reeked of street smells I began to feel so convicted. I am so SPOILED ROTTEN but beyond that I am also so blessed. Yesterday within the span of 20 mins I was peed on by a baby, spit up on, and apple juice spitted upon. In all honesty, I was a little bit annoyed simply because I didn’t have a different shirt to change into but then I began to feel so convicted. Sure, I might have to endure some discomforts sometimes. Yes, I get annoyed with people at times. I’m not perfect. My life isn’t perfect but in the grand scheme of things my problems are so miniscule that its almost ridiculous that I even get frustrated.

Sometimes I think we all just need a good dose of perspective. That was given to me yesterday as I played with homeless children, talked to guys in drug and alcohol rehab, and heard peoples’ stories. Now I’m simply faced with the question-how can I make this world a better place?

Insider-Ostracized-Loved

Last night I was walking through a dark field when I caught sight of lit up pavilion. As I was observed these people laugh and talk I was struck with this beautiful and yet simple thought- I could walk up and join these people and be fully accepted by them because they are a part of my community.

As soon as I had thought that thought I was struck by another thought which saddened me. If I didn’t know these people then if I did walk up to them I would be the stranger on the outskirts. I would be the one who was not accepted. I would be the one who was an outsider. I would be ostracized but because I did know these people I was accepted. I could walk up and give people hugs and join conversations because I was an insider.

How often do we ostracize the people around us? How often do we not allow people in because we don’t know who they are? How often do we allow people to be the outsider simply because we are bound by our own prejudices and our own desires?

Dear God,

Here is my heart. Make me yours.

<3

Hey Guys!

I'm sorry I haven't updated my blog recently. June was a whirlwind of craziness. I went to Virginia Beach for a week and half for the National Convention with the Institute for Cultural Communicators. From there I flew to Boston for NCFCA nationals. Nationals was crazy. It was so weird to be saying goodbye to my friends and to realize that that chapter of my life is probably finished.

After NCFCA Nats I flew home and spent a crazy week getting ready to fly to TN. Interning with ICC is something that I've wanted to do since I was 12 and yet now that I'm finally interning I started to freak out. I started to question if this is where I'm supposed to be and allot of doubts and fears started to enter in. I know that this is where I'm supposed to be but sometimes I feel like Satan is attacking me and making me doubt that I am in God's will. I would like to ask all of y'all to pray for our team. Pray that we would really bond as a team. Pray that we would be able to influence the people we talk to for the best. Pray that we will be authentic. Pray that we love each other and others with Christ's love.

I miss all of you!

National Convention part 1

National Convention 2011:

Amazing

Leadership

Serving

Loving

Deep Conversations

Excitement

Growth

Patience

Lead by Example

Leading by Serving

Hugs

Walks

Investing in People

National Convention has been so amazing. Thank you, Jesus.

Relinquishing

Have you ever had one of those days where you have so many thoughts whirling though your brain that you can’t even quantify what you’re feeling? These past couple of weeks has been a whirl wind of craziness. I finished school up for the most part and I’m trying to get ready to leave for the National Convention and NCFCA Nats in June and then interning in July.

Amidst all the insanity surrounding me in the mundane day to day God has been really opening my heart towards Him. He’s been showing me so much about what it means to be a child of God. I was talking to one of my friends yesterday about the difference between knowing all the right things and actually having that heart of love towards God and being in unity with Him. God has been challenging me to lay down my will and instead embrace His will. He’s been showing me that sometimes I can’t know what my next move in life is going to be. He’s showing me that ultimately it’s not my will that should be done but rather it is His will that should be done.

I’m naturally a stubborn person and when I set my mind to do something I normally do just that. I always thought that was a good thing but in retrospect I’m beginning to realize that I have caused allot of hurt and pain because I was trying to follow my will rather than my Father’s. My prayers have always been along the lines of: “God, I want to do this so please make it happen and bless it.” I’m realizing that that shouldn’t be my pray but rather instead my pray should be: “God, please show me what you would have me to do.”

Relinquishing control of my “lists”, my goals, me desires, and my dreams is one the hardest things I have ever done but every time I lay down my will, I found myself surrounded in this amazing embrace from heavenly father as He wraps His arms around me and tells me that He will always be here for me. And I’m going to be honest here…I still want to be in control. That’s my natural human tendency and even though I’m actively working to surrender myself to Him that doesn’t mean that I’m not still struggling with this. I find myself doing things, saying things, and embracing things because it’s what I want. All too often I simply don’t ask God what He wants me to do but I am trying to change that. I am trying to lay down my dreams, my goals, my hopes, my relationships, my desires, and my tendency to put myself first. If we really think about….at the end of lives…..(and I know this sound cliché….) but really….what do we want? Do we want to look back on our lives and have lived a life where we completely fulfilled our bucket list? Or do we want to look back on our lives and rest assured that we have fulfilled our Father’s will?